Feel No More (Feel No Less)
by teddylupin-snape
Summary: "Somewhere along the line, you made me fall in love with you, Reg." / BartyReg


Regulus lounged back, resting against the trunk of a wide, old oak. He was far less in-your-face than Sirius had ever been, though Barty couldn't imagine anyone being any more exuberant than the elder Black. Despite that, the brothers were much more similar than either would care to admit. Regulus had that same comfortable ease about his every action. Limbs that would appear lanky on anyone else seemed to fit him in the perfect proportions. He had a certain grace about him. Barty, on the other hand, was firmly of the belief that he himself was unremarkably ordinary.

Barty's shock when Regulus called him over was simply more proof of this.

But that was nothing compared to his shock when Regulus – _yes, Regulus Black_ – asked him out. Or his shock at hearing himself say yes.

"Crouch," Regulus said as soon as Barty was close enough to the small group of Slytherins gathered beneath the tree. He sneered. "I've got a proposition for you."

He was ready to go on his way, not answer, not give in to whatever plot Black was pulling. But Regulus's smirk grew into a smile, and his eye contact kept Barty entranced. "And what would that be?"

From behind Regulus came a voice, a hint of warning in its tone. "Reg—" The boy in question turned to Bellatrix, silencing her with a glance. She gave a haughty scoff before falling silent, watching.

"Come to Hogsmeade with me this weekend."

"What?" Barty tried to laugh it off – it really was ridiculous – but Regulus's expression didn't change. "You've _got_ to be joking."

"I'm not. So, are you in or aren't you?"

The incredulous look on Barty's face wasn't one he could hide. Regulus bit his lower lip and raised an eyebrow. "What, like a date?"

"We don't have to call it a date… not if that makes you," he took a pause, smirking again. "Uncomfortable. I just want to get to know you better. Beyond that, whatever happens happens. What do you say?"

Barty tugged on the scarf around his neck. He was conflicted, but Regulus had that arrogant smirk and when their eyes met and his reflected the sun _just right_ , glinting gold in the light, Barty knew there was no chance of him saying no. Before he has the chance to think about it, he has a date with Regulus Black.

* * *

That night, in the common room, Barty finishes telling his friend Adam about what happened. He expected to see a look of surprise that mirrored his own, but Adam heaves an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes.

" _Regulus_ Black? Barty, are you daft?"

"What d'you mean? Sure, he's not the first bloke I'd go for, and I don't exactly see this being a long-term thing, but there's nothing wrong with a date." Barty felt like he was trying to convince himself more than his friend.

"He's notorious, Barty. Regulus Black likes to play twisted games with people, and one of his favorites is making people fall in love with him. It's all about the thrill of the chase for him. Nothing he does is genuine." Barty's face fell, but Adam pulled a sympathetic half-smile. "Look, do what you want. I just don't want to see you getting hurt."

* * *

The weeks sped by into months, and before he knew it he had been out of school for years and half of his life was a vague memory and the other half was wrapped up in Regulus's. Regulus had taken him to the Three Broomsticks all those years before. Regulus had taken his heart and his virginity and had even taken him right into the Dark Lord's circle. Barty found it increasingly foggier determining where his decisions ended and Regulus's began. But he also found that he smiled without thinking whenever Regulus entered the room. He found himself always turning to see Reg's reaction to every comment he makes, and he found himself growing accustomed to having him sleep at his side every night.

It sounded easy, carefree, this way. Barty wished it was. As much as he'd grown to love Regulus – his soft, grey-gold eyes and his neatly-coiffed hair and his arrogant smile – he had his regrets. The biggest of these was his new status as a Death Eater. Each time he looked at his own forearm, at the blackened skull emblazoned upon it, he heard his father's voice in his head. He heard the threats he'd made against Death Eaters, he'd heard the warnings he made toward his son, he heard the distaste with which he spoke about everyone who came through the Wizengamot's courts.

In his head now, all of these words were directed at him.

Barty was tangled up in Regulus's bed, wrapped in so close to him that they appeared to be one. But the voices grew louder within him.

Barty broke them apart, leaning back and letting his eyes close. He breathed a sigh. "Regulus, please. If we're going to do this at all, we have to be careful. Keeping up like this, my father will hear about this one way or another. I can't risk that. And I can't let you risk that, Reg. I won't."

"Don't worry about me," Regulus murmured, pulling Barty back in, kissing him again. As little as he wanted to, Barty stopped them, holding Reg back at an arm's length, meeting his eyes.

"I can't. Because somewhere along the line you made me fall in love with you, Reg. I do, I love you. And I can't let something like that happen to you. We just need to be careful."

The last thing Barty wants to do is stop, so he pulls Regulus in hard, grasping at his back and lacing his fingers through Reg's hair, holding him close and passionately.

* * *

They come back from their first proper mission for the Dark Lord, and Barty's legs are shaking. The rest of him is, too, but he doesn't register that until he's collapsed onto the sofa. He doesn't know what's gotten into him, what's made him reach this point. He wishes that it had nothing to do with Regulus.

The truth is, it has everything to do with Regulus, and as he comes over to meet Barty on the couch, wrapping his arms around his shaking form, Barty feels nauseous.

"I can't do this. Not now. Maybe not ever, Reg, I'm sorry."

"You can't just leave, Barty."

"And you're going to try to make me stay?" Barty snarls. He gets up, moves to the door, but Regulus follows and pulls him back before he can reach it.

"No, Barty, I mean it. It's not me. He won't let you just walk away from this. I'm sorry." Barty's face falls. Building tears sting his eyes, but he blinks them away. "I'm so sorry, Barty. There's nothing we can do anymore but let this play out."

"Why are you so complacent in this, Regulus? Don't you care?"

"If I'm complacent, it's because we have no other choice. We've made this decision—"

"Don't you dare! You made this decision for me!" Barty was seething now. He couldn't believe, after all of this, that Regulus was still blaming him for the mess that he had gotten Barty into.

"You could've left. Plenty of times, but not anymore. I'm not about to let you get yourself killed because you waited too long to change your mind, Barty." The room was quiet. "I love you, Barty. I'm sorry we're in this mess, but there's nothing to be done for it anymore."

Barty seethed, silent tears sliding down the sides of his face. Regulus slept on the couch that night, alone.

* * *

They sat on the floor late one night, a handful of empty bottles strewn about them, a small fire clinging to life in the hearth just in front of them. Barty wasn't sure how vulnerable he wanted to let himself get tonight.

"This's never how I planned this to go, y'know?" Regulus was quick to finish his drinks and just as quick to spill his secrets. Barty held the empty bottle of his first beer, clinging to Reg's every word.

"What d'you mean?"

"I _mean_ ," Regulus sighed, "that I never wanted to fall in love. With you. But I did." He looked, almost… disappointed?

"So what _did_ you want?"

Regulus stared into the fire, the dying embers leaping and hissing. "I wanted to see what would happen. To see how far I could get with you. To see what I could get out of you. You're very… _connected_." He hiccupped before downing his drink, and pouring himself another. "And now I've got a probl'm."

Barty rolled his eyes, more at himself for asking. "Wha's your problem?"

"That I love you. 'Cause there's no such thing as love. It's a fantasy, and now I'm stuck." He pouted. Regulus leaned back to lay on the floor, his drink spilling out of his glass without his notice. "I wish I didn't love you, Barty. But I do."

"Well, I can fix that for you." Barty slowly pulled himself to his feet, eyes fixed on the fireplace. The last few sparks of flame flickered and faded. That's how Barty felt, deflated. Suddenly, he could feel the pool of alcohol in his stomach and the migraine he was earning. He was done.

Not giving Regulus a chance to argue, Barty left. He slammed the door in his wake, a hint of alcohol on his breath, and walked as far from the small flat as he could before remembering he could Apparate. Now the only question was where to go.

* * *

Weeks had passed. Barty walked through Diagon Alley, picking up a new book before making a detour into Knockturn Alley. He'd been lying low lately. Trying not to be noticed by either side isn't easy, and taking things one day at a time gets dull. Nothing was new anymore. Nothing surprised him anymore.

Well, maybe that part wasn't so true.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

The filthy, scantily-lit alcove off the entrance to Knockturn Alley was just bright enough for Barty to make out the outlines of two figures, one of which was _too_ familiar. Regulus had his wand drawn, a tight sneer pulled across his mouth. Before him, a quivering woman knelt. She had her arms raised in a show of defenselessness, her wand some fifteen meters away. They both looked up at his intrusion, both expressions a battle between fear and hope.

Barty pulled Regulus's wand arm down to his side, pinning it down. He kept his fingers wrapped around Reg's wrist, holding tighter than he had before. Barty hated his own heart for daring to flutter at the contact. Pulling out his own wand, he muttered an " _Obliviate_ ," and watched with relief as the stranger's face went blank. "Get out of here. Go!" When they were alone, he turned to Regulus.

"The fuck, Barty?"

He let out a low growl. "That's what I'm asking you! You know the Ministry's really cracking down on shit like this. We're barely safe as it is right now. You could act a model citizen and still get chucked in Azkaban for looking at an Auror the wrong way these days, but _this_ ," he gestured around them. "I don't care what went down between us, I'm not gonna let them lock you up. Stop giving them the damn incentive!"

"I don't need you saving my arse. You lost any right to give a damn about what happens to me when you disappeared. It's been nearly a month, I thought you were dead!"

They both fell silent for a moment, Regulus's last syllable hanging in the space between them. They were closer together than they had been in ages.

"You left me." Regulus's voice was soft, almost… _vulnerable_? Nowhere near the haughty tone Barty had come to expect. "And I don't need you swooping in trying to protect me. I don't need protecting, I'm fine on my own."

"I know you are. That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop. I would fight with every bone in my body if it meant I could protect you, Reg. From the Ministry, _my_ _father_ , the Dark Lord. Yourself. But you're damn well making it difficult."

Barty glared. Regulus went through a cycle of pouting, realizing he was pouting, glaring, and pouting again. Barty almost found it in himself to be amused. He didn't laugh.

"Let's just…" he let out a sigh, finally loosening his death-grip on Reg's arm. "Let's go back to my place, somewhere private. We need to talk."

Without acknowledging it, Regulus disappeared with a faint _pop_. Barty followed, dreading the conversation to come.

By the time Barty walked through the fireplace at his flat, Regulus was pacing angrily. The coffee table across from the fireplace, which had previously been covered in all manners of papers and knick-knacks was bare. The floor was strewn with Barty's belongings. It was all he could do to keep from punching Regulus square in the jaw.

"What's gotten into you lately?!"

Regulus sank down onto the sofa, staring vacantly out the window. There was something so broken about him. Barty wondered if there'd ever be a chance of everything going back to normal between them. He doubted it.

"What if we just…just try putting all the politics of this aside. I'm sick of that getting in the way of us. I don't care anymore – about any of it."

When Regulus spoke, his voice sounded distant. "Do you ever think," he whispered. "Do you ever think we should just stop doing this? Stop trying to make this work between us?"

"I—" Barty tried to meet his eyes, but they were still fixed on the window, glazed over, unseeing. "Reg—"

"I mean it, Barty. It was stupid of us to even have tried. We both knew there was no chance for this to end well. I wish it could. I wish we could still be young, free. Together. It just doesn't work like that."

Barty moved quickly to where he sat. He took Regulus's hands in his own, squeezing tightly for a moment. Reg finally met his eyes again. They were a mess of dark grey and golden flecks and tears. Barty felt his heart break. "I meant what I said. I don't care – not about the Dark Lord or this stupid war or any of this mess we're in right now. But I do care about you. We could leave the country tomorrow and never look back. Or, we could just stay here and ignore all the rest of this and just try to be happy."

Something inside Regulus broke. He leaned into Barty, tears streaming down his cheeks. It doesn't take long for Barty to start crying, and after a short while they both find themselves asleep on Barty's sofa, wrapped tightly in the other.

The next two days pass slowly. Tensions are still high between the two of them, just as they are throughout Wizarding Britain. But each day comes, and each night they make it through seems like another victory. Barty never leaves Regulus's side – he doesn't dare risk anything, not anymore.

On the third morning after their fight, Barty wakes alone. His bed feels cold, empty. Regulus is nowhere to be found, and the only trace left of him is a note atop his pillow. When Barty noticed the few places where water had warped the letters, he wasn't sure he had the strength to even read the note. But he had to.

 _Barty,_

 _I have no words left to say except that I'm sorry. Everything that happened between us was my fault. Everything that you did that ruined your life was because of me. I was so stupid. I suppose I still am._

 _But I've learned something that no one else knows – something that can help keep you safe. So I have to go. I may never come back, but know that from this moment forward, every action I take is one that I take to help protect you._

 _I have to do my part to stop the Dark Lord. I cannot let him find you, not if you want to be safe. I didn't see it before, I couldn't, but what they say about him – I think it's right. He isn't._

 _There's a chance that I won't make it back to you, Barty. If that is the case, I am so sorry. I realize you may never forgive me, but this is something that I must do. And, I suppose if I do die, that will weaken him just that bit more. Without followers, evil cannot spread. What he does, it's evil. You made me realize that._

 _I'm so sorry, Barty. I truly am._

\- _Regulus_

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Hogwarts forum challenges: 365 Prompts (89: "Do you ever think we should just stop doing this?"); Insane House Challenge (Bartyreg); Writing Club: Character Appreciation (Draco 10: "My father will hear about this;" Bonus: BartyReg); Disney Challenge (Songs 6: Write about someone trying to change someone they love); Creature Feature (4: Bellatrix Lestrange, 8: Ember); Book Club (Master Legend: (trait) villain, (word) wish, (dialogue) "[Name] likes to play twisted games with people, and one of his favorites is making [girls] fall in love with him"); Showtime (7: Falling for someone you can't have); Amber's Attic (10: Write about someone losing their faith in someone/thing – Bonus prompt); Count Your Buttons (Songs 3: From Eden, Hozier; Objects 2: Scarf; Dialogues 3: "It's because we have no other choice;" Pairings 4: BartyReg; Characters: Bellatrix Lestrange; Words 4: Filthy); Lyric Alley (5: That we could still be); Ami's Audio Admirations (11: Write about someone loving someone/something); Em's Emporium (Characters 1: Write about someone sacrificing their life for the people they love); Lo's Lowdown (Dialogue 3: "Without followers, evil cannot spread"). Seasonal Challenges: Days of the Year (World Gin Day: Write about someone getting drunk); Summer Prompts ("There's no such thing as love. It's a fantasy."); Color Prompts (Gold); Birthstones (Turquoise: "I would fight with every bone in my body if it meant I could protect you."); Flowers (Cosmos: Title: Feel No More (Feel No Less)); Elemental (Sagittarius: BartyReg); Shay's Musical Challenge (15: Write about someone falling in love with someone who they shouldn't be in love with); Gryffindor Challenge (Trait: Arrogant; Other prompts: Gold). Fortnightly: Who's Your Daddy? (Barty Crouch Sr.: "Not now"), Faeries (Water 4: Tears). Dragon Breeding Club: wc 2761; Fanfic Writing Month: wc 2761.**


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